The Brothers Karamazov: The Lady of Little Faith

The first passage I’d like to talk about is Book 2, Chapter 4: A Lady of Little Faith.

In which a lady has travelled to visit the Elder Zosima and confess to him that she is having a crisis of faith. She recently learned of the idea that there is no afterlife, but only the void after death and it troubles her greatly.

She asks the Elder “How can it be proved? How can one be convinced?” to which Zosima replies “No doubt it is devastating. One cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced.”

This response reminds me of Jordan Peterson’s lectures where he talks about how the meaningless of life is a rational conclusion and ironclad in logic. But so what? That ‘fact’ is not very useful to living, in fact it is often very detrimental and sends people into existential depression or crisis like the lady in the passage. In this way the meaningless of life is not ‘true’ although one cannot write a ‘proof’ that meaning is possible, one can become convinced that life is meaningful.

Skipping ahead, in the Elder’s chambers we see a repeat of this idea in Zosima and Ivan’s

Skipping ahead, in the Elder’s chambers we see a small repeat of this conversation, this time between Zosima and Ivan.

“Can it be that you really hold this conviction about the consequences of the exhaustion of men’s faith in their immortality of their souls?” the elder suddenly asked Ivan Fyodorovich.

“Yes, it was my contention. There is no virtue if there is no immortality.”

You are blessed if you believe so, or else most unhappy.”

Why unhappy?” Ivan Fyodorovich smiled.

Here Dostoevsky reveals what a great character writer he is. The elder asserts that being freed of all moral responsibility must be a great thing for Ivan, or the complete opposite, and Ivan smiles at the latter.

This is brilliantly done; as I have personal experience with this smile as I suspect many others do. Imagine two strangers standing at a rainy street. Both without umbrellas commenting how the rain makes being outside awful. Then one turns to the other and remarks about his closed umbrella they smile knowingly.

“Because in all likelihood you yourself do not believe in either in the immortality of your soul or even in what you have written about the Church and the Church question.”

“Maybe you’re right…! But still, I wasn’t quite joking either…,” Ivan Fyodorovich said suddenly and strangely confessed – by the way, with a quick blush.

“You weren’t quite joking, that is true. This idea is not yet resolved in your heart and torments it. But a martyr, too, sometimes likes to toy with his despair, also from despair as it were. For the time being you, too, are toying, out of despair, with your magazine articles and drawing-room discussions, without believing in your own dialectics and smirking at them with your heart aching inside you…The question is not resolved in you, and there lies your great grief, for it urgently demands resolution…”

But can it be resolved in myself? Resolved in a positive way? Ivan Fyodorovich continued asking strangely, still looking at the elder with a certain inexplicable smile.

Here is the echo of the Lady of Little Faith’s question, this time asked by Ivan the genius atheist. Can one become convinced that their life has meaning?

“Even if it cannot be resolved in a positive way, it will never be resolved in the negative way either-you yourself know this property of your heart, and therein lies the whole of its torment…”

This last part by Zosima struck me as very profound; if the conclusion that life is bereft of meaning is so true, so iron clad in logic and cemented in reason, then why do we resist the conclusion in our hearts? Even Ivan, a rational, extremely smart atheist wrestle with it in his heart?

Zosima says, like he said to the lady, that it cannot be proven (in the positive way, that life has meaning) but now goes further to also assert it cannot be proven in the negative way. If it could, our minds would resolve this fact like any other and not be tormented by it. No one is tormented by the fact the sky is blue although the sun is white.

So perhaps one can be convinced of their being meaning in life, and that is a lovely thought.

For completeness, here is the rest of what Zosima says:

…But thank the Creator that he has given you a lofty heart, capabale of being tormented by such a torment, ‘to set your mind on things that are above, for our true homeland is in heaven.’ May God grant that your heart’s decision overtake you still on earth, and may God bless your path!”

The Brothers Karamazov

I started reading The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky as translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky.

I started reading due to a University of Toronto psychology professor, Jordan B. Peterson. In one of his talks he is asked “What is required reading for life?” and Dr. Peterson replied that anything by Dostoevsky. Since I am currently enamored by Dr. Peterson, I picked up a copy of The Brothers Karamazov.

I’m currently an 1/8th into the story, and in these writings I am not going to bother to summarize the book but instead focus on the passages I found meaningful and why.

Triangles: Finally

A long time ago, I built a rudimentary program that would take an image, take a number of triangles, and do it’s best to recreate that image using the triangles. I also created a blog to talk about the program and the algorithmic choices I made while building it.

Today I’m pleased to announce that the project is restarted!
Screen Shot of Generated Triangles

In my infinite wisdom, I took down the blog content from my server, and the code from my GitHub and saved them locally onto my laptop.* While I was moving to San Jose my car was robbed u__u;; and I lost all my work.
My Ford Escape with two windows smashed I did get a half pack of cigarettes, a crack pipe and a rock in exchange; so it wasn’t a complete disaster.

The good news is that as of last weekend, the project is back on. I spent a long night trying to remember C++ well enough to hack together a shadow of what the program was before with the hope that it one day outshine its predecessor.

Check out this example using a red panda who has become the “Lenna” of this project.

Red Panda staring into the camera Same image as above but created with translucent trianglesSo with that in mind I’ll be posting periodic updates on my Twitter and larger updates and lessons learned on this blag.

You can laugh at my pitiful attempt to re-enter coding here.

Update: I used to have a website up where it was drawing stuff but that fell apart too.

*Why did you not have a backup?

1) Because I am not a clever man.
2) Because I was undergoing a name change, and was changing hosts as part of hosting them under a new account.


Yellow Bird on a Branch
Are you bored in long car rides? Do you like excuses to touch people you’re normally not ‘allowed’ to touch? Does the arbitrary excite you? Are you still reading anyways?

Allow me to introduce you to: Mustard

The rules of Mustard are simple*

  1. Whenever you see a yellow car, say the word ‘mustard’ and poke someone in the car.

*While I worked at Capital One I played this with my carpool who thought is was the dumbest thing in the world until they were emotionally invested. Being the smart asses they were this simple rule was picked apart and we came up rules with advanced play.

Mustard: Advanced Play

Guiding Principle: Whenever you see a yellow car, say the word ‘mustard’ and poke someone.


What is a car?

A car is any motorized vehicle, including compacts, SUVs, trucks, semis and others.

The following vehicles do not count as ‘cars’ and cannot have ‘mustard’ declared on them:

  1. School Buses
  2. Construction Vehicles
  3. Motorcycles

Parked cars can have mustard called upon them. They do not need to be on the road with you for mustard to be called.

Once mustard is declared, mustard cannot be re-declared using that same car for 24 hours.

What counts as ‘yellow?’

First off, the car must be primarily yellow, meaning that 2/3rds of the car body must be painted in a qualifying yellow color. For semis, only the tractor color counts for determining the validity.

What is yellow? For most cars it should be obvious. A few less than honest players may start calling very orangish/greenish/brownish yellow cars much to the annoyance of the other players. So what is an acceptable yellow?

Using the Hue, Saturation and Luminescence scale, acceptable yellow ranges from:

  1. Hue: 50-60
  2. Saturation: 50-100
  3. Luminescence: 35-65

So if there is a dispute, take a photo of the car and use a color picker to determine who is correct.

Calling Mustard

When you call ‘mustard’ you must immediately poke another member of your cohort. Players may not ‘save up’ mustards to unleash a poking frenzy later. If you don’t poke right away (within 5 seconds) you have wasted your ‘mustard’ and lose your right to poke.

Often, two or more players will call ‘mustard’ on the same car at the same time and engage in a poke simultaneously. This is taken in good faith and both pokes are delivered and considered ‘good.’

If a player calls mustard on a non-yellow car, or on a car that has already been called, or after 5 seconds then they are to receive punishment. To discourage this behavior, one member of the group will punch the offender in their cheating face the shoulder. Like calling mustard, one only has a short window of time to administer punishment.

When you call mustard, it is considered good form to point out the car you are calling it on. This helps avoid confusion and lets players keep track of errors to administer punishments.

Bork into the Void

One of my favorite paintings is Goya’s “The Dog.”

Goya, The Dog

From Wikipedia:

The Dog is the name usually given to a painting by Spanish artist Francisco Goya, now in the Museo del Prado, Madrid.
The Dog is one of the Black Paintings Goya painted directly onto the walls of his house sometime between 1819 and 1823. He did not intend the paintings for public exhibition.

I see a dog lost in a dark sea, struggling to keep its head above the waves, staring at an unfriendly sky. It speaks to me about the dark struggle that is life and the inevitably of death.

As much as I have become a “fan” of soul crushing existentialism, I’m also a sucker for Absurdism. Which is why I’m commissioning a piece of Goya’s “The Dog” with Facebook’s Shiba Inu sticker pack dog’s head.

Facebook Shiba-Inu Sticker Pack with the shiba inu catching a frisbee highlighted
Specifically the one where it is catching the frisbee, but sans frisbee.

The final result will look something like this:
Goya the Shiba Inu

I don’t want to print it out because I think the violence of the background expresses itself better through rough painting on a canvas. It would be nice if the doggo’s head was very crisp compared to the roughness of the background. Making it obvious how out of place it is in the painting.

To me it expresses the distraction from the horror of reality through digital media. I think it is especially potent because there is a chance that technology will be the ark that saves humanity and that the dog does not wait eagerly, expectantly, in vain.

The dog retains its skyward gaze, but this time in unbridled optimism. Not because there is anything there but even when drowning there is no reason not to choose to be happy.

I will call the piece: Bork into the void

The Dog – Wikipedia